RSS

Tag Archives: How To

Day 29 – Be proud of your partner!

Let your partner be your pride and joy.

We are attracted to our partners for some or many reasons. These may be our partners’ character, personality, skills or abilities, his or her beliefs, attitudes and perceptions hold in life, outer appearance and inner virtues, habits and so on. These elements attribute to who our partners are and how they behave, live the lives with us and how they treat others. We are happily in love with our partners the ways they are and taking pride of their simple being.

Does your partner know how proud you are of him or her? Have you told or reminded your partner lately?

Take some time to list out all the qualities, areas that you are proud of your partner right now; something that your partner possesses or does that make you smiles, happy and feel good about it, just like as if it’s your own good qualities. It’s important in a couple relationships that we recognize these qualities that make us proud of our partner and openly appreciate and praise these elements. This does not only sweeten the relationship, but also affirms your partner as a human being.

If you are proud of yourself, express and embrace pride to yourself, you would know how to be proud of your partner. Being prideful is just one thin line across as being egoistic. When you take pride in someone or something, you view this someone or something with positive initiation and perspectives; you would want to be part of this someone’s life or this something. You are in favor and almost praise this someone or something. On the contrary, when you are egoistic, you think no one is better than you; so when you view others or events around you, more often with a look down and contempt attitudes and perceptions, as nothing is as good as you. You may tend to belittle someone or something. Be very careful about the thin line.

Your partner may be very different from you in many other ways; it does not stop you from admiring and be proud of him or her! Take pride in your partner and the relationship together.

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Taking pride and be proud of my partner as he or she is today.

For your actions:

(1)    List out the qualities, areas, beliefs or manners that your partner has that you are attracted to and are proud of.

(2)    Write to your partner or choose a good moment to share with your partner, how proud you are of him or her.

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 29, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 28 – Give your partner time, space and patience to grow

Everything takes its time to grow, mature and consummate. By pulling the seeding, it will not help the plant to grow faster.

We have been brought up differently accordingly to our parents’ teaching, our social backgrounds, cultures and educations; we are learning through various thinking models, institutions and techniques; we are also growing and maturing based on our own unique personal experiences, failures and successes. Each of us has own favorite and effective ways of learning and requiring different time frames and space to grow. What is your most effective and efficient way to develop? In which areas would you like to improve and in what manners?

In a couple relationships, it is always easier to identify what our partners may improve, develop, grow up and get mature on. Our partners may agree or disagree on our views and take or not take actions subsequently. It is important that despite what we think or wish, our partners are individuals who are responsible for their own well-beings, own personal developments and growth, and we are here to support them, but not to take actions on behalf of them. Let them do at their own pace and timing.

If the above describes you in the relationship with your partner, taking this opportunity to open up a space where you are supporting and embracing your partner’s ways of enhancing him or herself. If your partner chooses not to do much about his or her own personal growth (after you challenge him or her out of own comfort zones), let him or her be. Perhaps your partner is thinking seriously and taking a break before starting or continuing. Let your own self-development be the inspiring example for your partner.

On the other hand, if your partner is the demanding, pushy one: express your gratitude to his or her goodwill on you; thank your partner for seeing your potentials and wanting the best for your development. Assure your partner that you are aware it’s your responsibility to grow, you are taking care of it; ask your partner to be patient and allow you to do it at your own speed and timing. Invite your partner to be a part of the process for the mental and physical supports, encouragements and recognitions, but not as an examiner who constantly checks for results.

Personal growth is a lifelong journey. It’s an honor to participate and be a part of someone’s development process, especially your partner’s. Seize the opportunity well, use your wisdom to support; let your involvements value-add your partner’s growth.

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Empowering and trusting he or she is taking care of his or her personal development; providing encouragements and recognitions when he or she needs it and a space allowing him or her to grow at own pace and timing.

For your actions:

(1)    Take time to think about how do you participate in your partner’s personal development? Do you take charge or empower and allow your partner to grow as he or she wishes?

(2)    How could you support your partner more in his or her own development?

 
4 Comments

Posted by on August 28, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 27 – Handle your partner with care ~

Relationship is like a water balloon; once you throw or drop it too hard, it breaks, water splashes out and it is finished.

In a relationship, there are many instances where tricky questions asked (i.e. do I look fat?), difficult messages delivered (i.e. you have bad breath…), sensitive topics discussed (i.e. performance in bed…), heated disagreements and arguments took place, as well as various vulnerable moments shared (i.e. open heart to heart talk and make up conversations). Do you hold, carry out yourself with love, respect and consideration for your partner, do you choose your responses carefully and appropriately under these circumstances?

We are all humans and not all perfect; we have our own emotions, weaknesses, blind spots and ego. It’s so possible and easy, if we don’t stay focus on our partners or the subject and watch out for distractions, that a simple conversation may turn into a heated argument, or further into a physical aggression when we lost total control of ourselves. We may say or do things that we are not intended to or regret afterwards. This not only hurts our partners mentally or physically, but also indirectly harms ourselves and damages the relationship.

A healthy relationship is able to endure the rough patches within a couple, the unintended hurts or insensitive dealing of the situation. But when the frequency gets too often and the degree of damage becomes too severe, it wears down the relationship and the love for each other. An old metaphor: relationship is like a love bank account, when you give and show your love to your partner, it’s like making a deposit into the bank account, a little by little. When you do something that’s harmful or damaging to the relationship, it’s a withdrawal from the account, decreasing at a much faster pace.

There are four golden rules proposed below on how we could handle our partners with care:

  • Find out what is the underlying reason(s) or goal(s) behind these questions, messages or conversations; it helps to know which direction and approach to take; conduct yourself towards and always stay in the direction
  • Always have your partner in your focus; pay attention to his or her emotions, feelings, reactions, body languages and unspoken messages
  • Listen to your partner more than you speak, try 7:3 ratio; ask more questions in a caring way to understand your partner’s hidden messages or concerns
  • Slow to response, since it is important for your partner and yourself, take time to response, to choose the use of words and manners appropriately and smartly

The important thing is to handle the situation with tenderness and love, respects and patience, as well as consideration for your partner’s feelings. Make it another deposit made into the love bank account!

Example: say you find out the reasons your partner asks about if she is fat or not are (a) want your admiration on her figure; (b) your affirmation on your love for her irrespective her figure; (c) she has low self-confidence over her figure and wants some ego boost from you or (d) just want to know other’s view about her. Once you know the underlying reasons and messages, you don’t need to comment on ‘yes’ or ‘no’ so quickly, you may start with ‘you know you have a sexy body that attracts me lots’, ‘you are the right size for me’, ‘I like the way you are’, ‘I love you no matter your figure’ and offer some compliments, give some hugs and kisses. If she insists your answer, ask her ‘what makes her feel this way’ and just listen to her reply, lead her to the source of her own perception about self; perhaps through the conversation, she may realize something.    

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Handling my partner with care, thoughtful consideration, love and respect.

For your actions:

(1)       Take few events in your relationship and go through them in your mind, ask yourself if you have been handling your partner with care? How would you handle it better?

(2)       Give yourself a chance to try different way of communication with your partner; use the opportunity to discuss with your partner on the topic of ‘how to handle your partner with care’ and to do some role play for fun.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 27, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 21 – Challenge your partner out of comfort zone!

“I’m continually trying to make choices that put me against my own comfort zone. As long as I am uncomfortable, it means I am growing.” By Ashton Kutcher

None of us like to be challenged or confronted most of the time; and yet there is always at least one person who will challenge and confront us out of our comfort zone in life, believing we are much more than what we currently are, no matter we like it or see it or not. It may be our parents, our teachers, our friends, our colleagues or bosses, our partners or even we. This person uses all imaginable ways to invite, enroll, pull, push or force us in taking a leap of faith to try new things, new beliefs and new experiences, so we may go beyond ourselves. This person has strong faith in us and commits to our personal growth more than we ever have for ourselves. Who is this person in your life?

Ever notices that it is easier for us to try something new which we are keen about than something new however we are not too enthusiastic? It seems more challenging for us to try new things that we are not so interested in. Most of us like to be in an environment which is stable, familiar and comfortable, so that we remain in controls and are able to anticipate what’s happening next with no surprises. To step out of comfort zone requires fast learning, ability to adapt and courage to face uncertainties and take up the loss of total control. It sounds daunting for some of us; yet it sounds extreme exciting and promising for some!

How does it sound for you and your partner? Do you both embrace personal learning and growth? Do you challenge each other to be a better self or out of own comfort zones? How do you support each other while challenging each other? Or perhaps both of you are happy staying at own comfort zones? There is no right or wrong answer, but an answer that both of you have chosen and happy about.

As we all just live once and there are so many things out there to offer, why not make the best out of them, out of what you can give and receive? Live up to your full potentials?

Do you recognize your partner’s full potentials? While challenging your partner out of his or her comfort zones, not to forget your involvements and supports are very important. You may support your partner via:

  • believing in your partner’s potentials and best abilities that he or she can achieve it
  • discussing, rationalizing the challenges with your partner, assisting him or her to understand what are the potential benefits of taking up the challenges
  • listening carefully your partner’s resistances and helping to find out what are the root resistances, i.e. scare of failure, hurts, death or lose control…etc
  • encouraging with words and actions, affirming and making them feel good about taking up the challenges
  • following through your partner’s development progress and be there for your partner
  • leading by example that you challenge yourself too or do the same challenges as your partner, be with your partner’s challenge buddy
  • leveraging on the influence of others who your partner respects, asking them to encourage and support your partner too
  • getting familiar with the new challenging environment and to be with people who share the same challenges

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Challenging my partner out of his or her comfort zone with my love and support.

For your actions:

(1)    Do you recognize your partner’s full potentials? How do you see your partner is greater than he or she currently is? Consider to challenge your partner going beyond his or her current ability; if yes, in what areas?

(2)    Think through how you will challenge your partner out of his or her comfort zones, i.e. why is it important, in which areas, what are the benefits and in what tone or manner will you use to communicate.

(3)    Ask yourself the same question (1) above.

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 21, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Day 20 – Forgive your partner ~

We normally think forgiveness is to be offered to others who hurt us, what we have forgotten is that forgiveness also set ourselves free, free of past hurts and pain.

We all made mistakes from big to small along the way in life. As we are all not perfect, we surely will make some more mistakes in the years to come. While we say ‘sorry’, make apologies to others, ask for forgiveness, do we also forgive others generously? If we could give our forgiveness to strangers, wouldn’t it be even easier to forgive our love ones?

We get hurts in relationship and these wounds require extra attention, love, care and time to heal. Instead of focusing and spending more energy and time on healing together with our partners, some of us choose to make a grudge, hold onto the partners who caused the pain and suffering, demand numerous apologies and wait for the partners to make up or heal the wounds; in some severe cases, some choose to spend lots time in getting back even. The healing process is postponed without further notice. Isn’t a sincere apology good enough for a loving relationship? Isn’t a good healing process together more important than getting even? Is it really so hard just to let go the grudge, forgive and start fresh again?

People hold on to their hurts because of ‘ego’, “How dare he or she hurts me like this…”, “How could he or she ignore my pain and my suffering?”, “After all I have done and sacrificed, how could he or she done…to me?”, it’s all about ‘YOU’, but not about them. Ego magnifies your hurts and pains, so you could justify the accusations and continue the actions against forgiveness. Are you aware of this situation and allowing ‘ego’ to sabotage you, your partner and your loving relationship?

‘To forgive’, it simply requires a change of mind and a declaration of “I forgive you”. ‘To forgive’, it doesn’t mean your hurt is now gone and forgotten; it is rather that your hurt is now being recognized and accepted by both you and your partner. If you have some doubts in how easy forgive someone may be, just take one thing that you are holding against your partner, simply just change your mind right now and say it aloud “I totally forgive him or her”. Does it make you feel much better, like dropping the heavy stone in your heart, lifting the tight painful feeling into the air or releasing the tears into your eyes? Don’t think much, forgive with your heart and say again, “I fully forgive him or her hurting me in…..” (be as specific and clear in what you are forgiving your partner as possible).

Making apology requires courage and sincerity; giving forgiveness also takes brevity and open heart. By apologizing, your partner has acknowledged his or her part of wrong doing and asking for your acceptance; by forgiving, you recognize and accept how vulnerable you are, prepare for healing and get ready to open up yourself again for your partner to get close. The sooner and faster you let go and forgive your partner hurting you, the faster both of you may start focusing on healing together. What are you still waiting for?

 

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Taking a decision to change my mind and forgive my partner for all the hurts he or she has caused; vise versa (asking for my partner’s forgiveness).

For your actions:

(1)    Forgive your partner by saying to him or her “I forgive you, the time you…..” Ask your partner to listen first, but not to response to what you say; let your partner know the purpose of this exercise is to free both of you out of past hurts and blames, not to create new ones.

(2)    Ask your partner if he or she would like to do the same.

(3)    Discuss and agree with your partner that both of you will apologize to each other and ask for forgiveness in the same day when any hurt is done, not to allow any time for grudges to build on.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 20, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 17 – The power of serving your partner!

Everyone has something to give, no matter it is big or small.

Mother Teresa once said: “Prayer in action is love, and love in action is service. Try to give unconditionally whatever a person needs in the moment. The point is to do something, however small, and show you care through your actions by giving your time…” Love is an action word and through the actions of love, it’s serving others; serving your partner. Are you serving your partner?

Serving’ here is not in the context of being a servant and does what has been told; but rather choose to do something with a willing heart and without seeking any rewards or returns. We all want to be the queens and kings at home and in the relationship, to be served with love and care, be pampered and taken care of endlessly. This is possible in long term only if it begins with us. Serve your partner first as how you would want to be served. 

Each of us is bestowed with the ability to serve others, to give and share a piece of us, materially like our physical belongings or intangibly, i.e. our support, words of encouragement… or even a simple smile. If we are willing to shift our focus on our partner, open our eyes and ears to observe the needs of our partners and hear the hidden cries for attention and help, we may seize the opportunities to offer ourselves and enrich the relationship by serving our partners.

When was the last time you serve your partner, do something for him or her? It may be something small, like running your partner a bath, giving some massages, bringing him or her breakfast in bed to something a bit deeper, i.e. giving mental comforts and support, words of encouragements or offering empathy and compassion. It can be anything and can be more than what your partner needs. It’s up to us to decide that ‘serving our partners’ starts with us right now and it’s important to serve with a ‘happy willing’ heart!

By serving your partner, you are serving yourself and enrolling your partner to serve you.Serving’ provides us the opportunities to be part and to contribute to our partners’ lives and the life we are together; it validates our abundance in love and heart, as well as it gives meanings and values to our relationships with our partners.

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Serving my partner with a willing heart.

For your actions:

(1)    Take a moment to review your perception on and definition of ‘serving’. Does your current understanding affect how you could have helped others who are in needs? Will it make any differences if you see ‘serving’ differently?

(2)    Make some efforts in serving your partner for the rest of the month August.

(3)    Ask your partner “How well do I serve you?” and open up a conversation with your partner over this topic.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 17, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Day 16 – Compromise is inevitable in a healthy relationship

Compromise is not a change of heart, but rather changes in expectation and tactics.

Is it possible for you to love someone who is so different to you? Is it also possible for you to live with him or her? Are you embracing the differences between you two or repulsing the differences? Are you allowing the differences to work in favor of your relationship or to fracture the connection? Do you need a partner to complement you or want a partner who is just like you? Be careful, what you need and what you want sometimes are not the same.

Strictly speaking under micro-inspection, every single one of us is a unique individual. We are all different from each other; even though we may share a lot in common. Couples who are very similar to each other and share many common beliefs, interests and habits, they tend to bond faster, closer and their relationship progresses further than the couples who have greater differences between them. This does not mean the couples who are similar do not compromise or do not argue. We all take time (long or short) to adjust ourselves to be with other people.

What are your beliefs on ‘compromise’? Are you compromising a lot in your current love relationship? How do you feel about it? Dictionary definitions of ‘compromise’ are (1) to settle by mutual concessions and (2) to reduce the quality, value, or degree of something. In point 1, it is stated ‘compromise’ are about two people agreeing on something. If one agrees, but not the other, this is not a compromise. It may help us if we first understand the differences between ‘agree’ vs. ‘accept’. A typical tooth paste squeezing example: I may disagree with the way my partner is squeezing the tooth paste (from the bottom), because that’s not how I do it (from the middle), however I accept his way of doing, because that’s the way he is, and since I accept, I will not be bothered or nagging about this difference. If both shares the same view, in this case, there is nothing to compromise, even both may disagree, but both accept each other’s way. And this is the power of acceptance. In point 2, personally believe ‘compromise’ sometimes brings inconveniences for individuals, because it is no longer just one person’s way; however it does not necessary reduce the quality, value or degree of something, instead it brings the synergy of a joined agreement where both are benefiting from.

Compromise in a relationship is inevitable and it’s a sign of respectful partnership. If you find to ‘compromise’ is slightly difficult, take a moment to find the root causes. To compromise is not to ask you to change your heart intention or lower your standard, instead it’s about you changing the expectation of the joint situation (no longer just one person’s situation) and the ways of dealing with the joint event together with your partner taking into consideration of his or her expectation.

Ps. A point to think further: if you find the right partner, there is no need to compromise.

Today I love my partner by: (share it aloud to your partner)

Compromise.

For your actions:

(1)    Take a moment to answer: do you compromise in your relationship? From a scale of 1 (not compromising at all) -10 (being compromising too much), how would you rate yourself and your partner? And how do you feel about it? Dig deeper to find the reasons.

(2)    Ask your partner to rate from scale 1-10 about him or her being compromising and about you. Take the opportunity to align both understanding about ‘compromise’; share each other’s view and feelings towards ‘compromise’.

(3)    Do one of the activities with your partner that he or she likes, but you are not too keen on. Try compromise by doing and see what it will bring you!

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 16, 2012 in Thoughts

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 59 other followers